Challenges of Being Pakistani with boundaries!

A Cultural Reality That Causes Discomfort

Growing up, I rarely said "no," especially to adults. In our Pakistani families, cultural values emphasized respecting elders and being compliant. As a girl, it was expected not to appear "selfish" by putting my needs before the collective. If my parents decided we were going to a relative's house, I had to comply, even if I had to study or preferred eating at home or needed alone time. This mindset continued into college and beyond, making it difficult to set boundaries around my time and needs, as it was considered "selfish." or i am being westernised or modern.

I had never actively practiced establishing boundaries, leaving me uncertain about where to start. How could I determine if the boundaries I set were reasonable or if I was simply being self-centered? This struggle to define boundaries is a shared experience among many Pakistani women, including myself, who juggle roles as wives and daughters.

Alot of people from Pakistani descent, whether raised in the West or in Pakistan, express the challenge of establishing “boundaries” within their own families. The question arises: What makes this task so daunting for us?

Self vs Collective

One of the most important factors is the conflict between the self-vs-collective. Actions are often taken not only for personal benefit but also for the benefit of the family or community. For instance, pursuing a job abroad involves not only following personal passions but also sponsoring family members to provide them with better opportunities for example: call your family members abroad once you moved, Get your family friends or family members if you get a decent job yourself, create clothes at no cost or at a reasonable discount if you’ve become a designer, or give away art as a gift since you can always make more. Becoming a doctor involves not just making money, but also financially supporting family members and offering free medical assistance to aunts and uncles and cousins for free.

Expectations and Obligations

Throughout generations, there’s a history of people helping each other, and it’s assumed that well’ll fit into this tradition during our current time and situation. In addition to the intergenerational trauma caused by colonization and various socio-political factors in our histories, there’s now a weighty sense of “obligation” imposed on Pakistani families. This burden is inherited, and the common thread in every Pakistani family is the echoing sentiment that our ancestors made sacrifices so that we could enjoy a better life and now it is our duty to continue this cycle of sacrifice.

Thus, the cycle is expected to continue: we make sacrifices for you, and you, in turn, make sacrifices to pay off our debts as well as yours and your children’s. This cycle is more centered around the idea of “sacrifice” rather than the promised prospect of a “better” life.

The second significant barrier to setting boundaries

It is often difficult for us to express our needs due to the burden of guilt and shame. This is especially true in close-knit families where boundaries may be perceived as creating distance, potentially leading to being ostracized. In such situations, saying “no” may result in being disowned or facing even harsher consequences. Establishing limits on when you’re available to talk may be perceived as disrespectful. Limiting how frequently you visit your parents could be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. Putting a boundary on what your children are exposed to, such as preventing certain comments from Aunt or Uncle, might be viewed as disrespectful. Hence, you get labeled as “selfish”.

‘Respect for tradition is important, but so is the courage to redefine boundaries that no longer serve our well-being and growth in a changing world.”

They don’t need to be strict and inflexible instead, they can foster mutual respect within your family. In Pakistani culture, there’s a strong emphasis on community and helping others, which is a beautiful aspect. However, having boundaries doesn’t mean you lack love or concern for others. It simply means asking for mutual care, ensuring that your feelings are acknowledged, even if it might inconvenience someone else. Establishing boundaries doesn’t entail cutting people off unless it’s absolutely necessary for your safety. It doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your culture.

You can show respect and say no- whether it’s refusing personal questions from someone, or shouldering the weight of generational ancestral burdens. You have the option to express your feelings and say, “This isn’t working for me,” then encourage a new conversation with family members about expectations and sacrifices. In our culture, seeking professional help is often seen as a stigma, so individuals are compelled to rely on their own efforts to improve their situation.

How to Set Practical Boundaries

This isn’t about saying no to every request that comes your way. There are times when helping out or solving a pressing issue with a colleague is genuinely beneficial. The key is figuring out where your time is most effectively used.

Question your motives.

Before agreeing to a request, ask yourself why you’re doing it. Is it because you genuinely want to help, or are you doing it to meet cultural expectations? Be honest with yourself. If your motivation is solely to conform to cultural norms or avoid addressing more challenging issues, it’s okay to say no.

Organize your calendar.

Not scheduling everything you want to do can create the illusion of free time. If you leave a time slot open on your calendar, you might end up filling it with meetings or tasks that aren’t your top priorities. Write down all your commitments and activities to identify where real gaps exist and allocate your time wisely.

Consider the ripple effect.

Every decision comes with trade-offs. If you take on a board position, will it mean missing your kids’ events or your perosonal commitment? Helping one colleague might mean turning down another. Think about the consequences of each choice, as even seemingly easy yeses can have unintended impacts on your life.

Anticipate boredom and fatigue.

When considering taking on additional responsibilities, think about the future. What is likely to make you feel tired or bored later on if you agree to everything? This approach helps identify opportunities that may not be the best fit for you. It’s a way to avoid overcommitting and save yourself from potential exhaustion.

Saying yes might bring short-term gains but could result in long-term headaches. Before agreeing to something, take these steps to ensure that your time is well spent. You’ll appreciate it later on.