Communication Style Choices: Which is Best for Healthy Relationships?

Good communication is super important for good relationships. It’s like a two-way street: we talk about our thoughts and feelings while also listening and respecting the other person. But, it’s not always easy. Sometimes people need therapy to get better at it.

To improve, it’s useful to know how we communicate. There are three main styles:

1. Passive: Not speaking up for ourselves, letting others decide.
2. Aggressive: Being forceful or rude in getting what we want.
3. Assertive: Speaking up for ourselves while still respecting others.

Communication Style: Passive

Behaving passively means you’re more focused on what others want and need, and you tend to ignore your own desires. People often act this way because they don’t want to feel selfish or hurt anyone’s feelings. They might think they’re bothering others if they speak up about what they want.

Signs of passive behavior include:

• Not thinking your own needs are important
• Keeping quiet about your thoughts and feelings
• Giving in easily to others
• Trying to avoid arguments or disagreements
• Avoiding topics that might cause discomfort or fights

Being passive can help avoid conflicts and uncomfortable situations in the short term. But in the long run, it can lead to your needs not being met because you’re not speaking up. This can make you feel resentful over time.

Communication Style: Aggressive

Acting aggressively means being the opposite of passive. It’s when you focus on your own needs and wants more than others’. You might act this way to make sure you get what you need or to keep yourself and others safe from what you see as dangers.

Some signs that someone is acting aggressively include:

1. Thinking only about what they want, ignoring others’ needs.
2. Taking things instead of giving or sharing.
3. Interrupting others when they’re speaking.
4. Ignoring what others are saying or how they’re feeling.

Being aggressive can help you get what you want quickly, which can make you feel more in control. But it often means others’ needs aren’t considered. This can leave the aggressive person feeling guilty later on.

Communication Style: Assertiveness

To understand assertiveness, think of it as having three important parts. First, it’s about saying what you need or want. Second, it’s about understanding and respecting what others need. And third, it’s about finding a way for both of you to be happy.

When you’re being assertive, you might:

1. Understand that your needs are just as important as others’.
2. Speak up for yourself.
3. Really listen to what others are saying.
4. Focus on being fair.
5. Find ways to compromise.
6. Set clear boundaries.

Being assertive is good because it means everyone gets to say what they need, which helps relationships grow stronger. But being assertive can be tough because it’s more effort than just going along with things or being too forceful.

When we suddenly start acting in a way that’s opposite to how we usually communicate. For instance, if I’m usually quiet and avoid confrontation, I might suddenly become loud and pushy in certain situations. This happens when our usual way of communicating isn’t working to solve a problem. Without us even realizing it, our brain decides to switch to the opposite style, hoping it might fix the issue.

For example, if someone has been holding back their feelings for a long time, eventually they might explode with anger to try to get what they want.

But these flips usually don’t end well. They can make us feel bad for losing control, or confuse and upset the person we’re talking to.

When we communicate, we usually use one of three styles: passive, aggressive, or assertive. Passive and aggressive styles are more common because they come naturally to us as ways to protect ourselves. Being assertive, on the other hand, isn’t something we’re born with; we have to learn it. If we’re not taught how to be assertive, we won’t know how to do it.

The good news is that we can learn to be assertive, just like we learn other skills. If you want to become more assertive, therapy can help you with that.

For now, try to think about which communication style you tend to use most often. Pay attention to it when you’re communicating with others.